Bubbles
by Loki Shae
Summary: HIATIS Duckies? Muggle health classes? Sex switches? Prank wars? SNAPE IN DRAG? What has happened to Hogwarts? Rate M for adult humor slash and femslash. Yaoi AND Yuri
1. Author note

**THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT NOTE**

**In order to understand the following story you must read this!**

1. This takes place AFTER the war. And no one that hasn't died in the book is dead in our story. NOW WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY FLAMES BECAUSE OF THAT! This is a SPOOF so for that purpose only NO ONE dies. Another thing, Slytherins and Gryffindors are FRIENDS.

2. If at the end of the chapter it says: FIN, that means it's done. There will be NO reference to that story in later chapters.

3. THERE WILL BE SLASH/ FEMSLASH this is a spoof people. We don't want ANY flames about "this is slash, that will never happen" well... NOTHING we write will really ever happen. Hence: Fan-**fiction**

Now, we have no more to say from here on out about flames, or the plot of this story.

Shaelyn and Loki


	2. No Pants!

Disclaimer: We own nothing... BUT HARRY PANTS!

Summery: Duckies? Muggle health classes? Sex switches? Prank wars? SNAPE IN DRAG? What has happened to Hogwarts?

A/N: Hey this is Loki and Shaelyn! This is our first fanfic together! Enjoy!

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Chapter One: No Pants! (by Loki)

Harry woke up as usual, and grabbed his glasses form his night stand. He yawned and rolled out of bed. After lazily stretching out his muscles he looked up to find himself utterly alone in his room.

"Wait? What time is it!" Harry screamed and franticly started to throw on clothes. He looked at the clock, it was a quarter past eight. He was fifteen minutes late for class! "Ron you bastard! Thanks for waking me up!" Harry grabbed his school books and dashed out from the dorms and entered the common room. As he sprinted for the door he noticed all the gasps and whispers he was receiving from the paintings as he passed. He also noticed a strange draft in his nether regions. Harry's eyes were cast downward.

"Where's my pants!" He spazzed, instead of pants Harry was wearing only his bright blue boxers with yellow rubber duckies. They quacked in laughter as they swam across the material. The boy who lived stared down in horror.

"GONG DONG BONG!"

The clock chimed half past the hour, and Harry still had no pants! He rushed back into his dorm room and tore through his trunk. NO PANTS! Harry checked through all his things, nowhere were his pants to be found. So he checked in Ron's, then in Neville's, not that they would fit anyway. Out of all the trunks no one had a freaking pair of pants for him to put on his cold ass!

"AHH!" Harry screamed in frustration. "I'm so screwed!" He had potions next and everything. 'What will Malfoy say? NO!' "WHAT WILL SNAPE SAY!" He cringed at the thought of that slimy bastard seeing him in his unmentionables.

With a heavy sigh, and a muffled "screw it" Harry raced off to the dungeons.

* * *

The whole class turned at the sound of the door opening in the middle of Snape's lecture. NO one interrupted Snape when he was lecturing, or else. Everyone looked up to se who dared come late to class.

"Gasp!" It was the same response from each person. All the girls were blushing and giggling, even some of the boys were blushing.

Malfoy cackled in his seat, "HA! Potters in his undies!" He continued in fits of hysterical laughter.

"I believe that is quite enough Mr. Malfoy." Snape spoke, "and Mr. Potter I'm not even going to ask." The class laughed once more and Harry felt his cheeks grow hot. He sat down with a heavy sigh. Ron, and Hermione were wide-eyed, obviously shocked by his... entrance.

"Harry! What on god's earth are you wearing! Where are your pants!" Hermione leaned over and whispered to him.

"Yeah dip shit what were you thinking! Snape'll have your head!" Ronald hissed.

Harry snorted. "Well thanks to you for leaving a spare out for me! Where are all your pants Ron? Nobody had any spares! I had to come like this!"

"AHEM!" Snape quieted them with a loud cough, "Today we will be learning how to brew the LUST potion. In groups of four go now!"

The groups got together and the students immediately got to work. All the girls were giggling madly. Harry, Ron, Mione, and Neville brewed up their batch in silence. Every now and then one of the ducks would give a loud, "Quack."

Meanwhile Crabbe, Goyle, Draco and Pansy's potion was complete early. "Right! It's all mine then." Goyle reached out a chubby hand to grab the vile of lust potion. Pansy slapped him away.

"No I think I'm the only one qualified for this! Right Draco?" She winked an eye at the ice prince and gently picked up the potion.

"I think not! That would be disastrous! Give it to Crabbe, it's not like anything will happen on HIM." Draco scoffed, he snatched the concoction from his partner and shoved it into Crabbe's hand. "Drink you moron!"

Crabbe shrugged and downed the potion in one gulp. They waited, nothing seemed to be happening. "When's it working Draco?" he grunted. Draco was lost in thought. Was it his imagination or was Crabbe looking much 'nicer' than usual? No it wasn't his imagination! Crabbe was looking very handsome indeed.

"You know Crabbe, " Draco cooed and leaned on his arm, "You look different all for a sudden." He winked.

"Yeah, " Pansy sighed, "Very handsome Crabbe." Goyle licked his lips and stroked Crabbe's very sexy hand.

Crabbe gulped. This was bad.

Back at the Harry's table things weren't going so well. Neville had screwed things up, as usual. It was complete chaos! Neville had spilled some of the potion on Harry's 'pants' and now Harry's ducks were purple and screaming. They tried to escape the burning heat of the potion, quacking like mad.

Hermione, however had saved the rest of potion in the nick of time. It bubbled, fizzed and smelled like it was supposed to. Now the big question was, who would be the one to drink it?

"Me!" screamed Neville and chugged the vile, until it was drained.

"No!" Yelled Ron, who immediately covered his eyes. "It was supposed to be Hermione! That way we wouldn't go queer and start snogging each other!"

"Ron! You are such a degenerate pig! What makes you think that I'd want to go off and snogg you!" Hermione screamed and slapped him upside the head before storming out of the class.

"Shut up Ron." Harry gave his boxers one last wipe, and looked up to find a VERY sexy Crabbe.

"Oh my," Harry's blood boiled. Since when did Crabbe have such nice hair, and bone structure? When did his eyes take on that lovely shade of brown? Harry continued to ogle, lust madly taking over. 'damn he's looking hot today'

"Wait," He felt something was not right, his blood was rushing into the wrong place. "SHIT!" Harry knew what this was, he looked down to see a very happy hard on. "Fuck." Harry blushed beat red and tried to cover his little problem.

"Hey Harry what's wrong with you?" Neville flipped his hand through his hair seductively. Neville was trying to seduce him as well eh?

"NEVILLE YOU BASTARD GO TO HELL!" Harry cried and covered himself, his ducks quacked wildly in protest. They could no longer swim in their cycle for the 'mountain' in front of them was too enormous.

Snape yelled, "Mr. Potter what us all this raucous? Is this perhaps too much work for the boy who lived?" Snape cringed and looked down upon his student. "Mr. Potter what's that your hiding down there?"

Harry squirmed and turned away from his evil potions teacher. "Go down go down!" he whisperer to himself.

"Mr. Potter what's that in your hand!" Snape snatched Harry's arm away from his, 'problem.' Snape gaped.

"Leave me alone you petafile!." Harry started to cry and dashed from the dungeon. He needed a shower and badly.

"How could I ever think Crabbe was sexy!"

* * *

Harry sighed in relief. Yes this bath was definitely what he'd needed to rid himself of all that 'lust.' He sank lower into the bubbly water, it was steaming hot, just the way he liked it.

"I can't believe this day! Man was it horrible." Harry wiped the water from his glasses, only to find Dobby stealing his cloths.

"Dobby what in bloody hell are you doing there?" Was everyone out out get him today?

Dobby just smiled, "Oh Mr. Potter I felt it necessary to wash all of your clothing today. I hope you didn't mind. If you'll just stay in here until all the wash is complete I'll have your cloths back to you in no time." With that the little pest ran off through the bathroom door carrying the remainder of Harry's clothing.

"DAMN YOU DOBBY! You stole my pants!" Harry screeched and splashed water everywhere.

"Oh Harry dear why so glum? Is there something I can do for you?"

He whipped around. Moaning Myrtle! "Myrtle what are you doing here?"

Myrtle shrugged and glided closer to him, "Well I could hear your screaming all the way through the pipes. Is there something you need for me to do for you Harry dear?" Myrtle blinked her eyes innocently. Harry knew what she was up to.

"Umm, No Myrtle I'm fine, I think I'll be leaving now." He jumped up from the bath and moved to collect his towel, which was no longer there.

He twitched, now what was he supposed to do? Run stark naked through the school with nothing but bubbled covering him? Hell yes that's what he was going to do!

"I've had enough of this! Screw it! I'm going!" Harry ran out the bathroom and headed straight for the Slytherin common room, after all it was closest.

Myrtle chased him from behind. "Wait Harry! Come back here! Harry what will all the girls say when they see you naked like this!"

"Well if you'd stop screaming Myrtle maybe I could get out of here without anyone noticing!" Harry screamed and ran to the Slytherin entrance.

Wait a MINUTE! WHAT'S THE PASSWORD!" Harry banged franticly on the door for help. Someone had to let him in.

The door swung open to reveal a very stunned first year, Harry dashed past her and hid in one of the corners. "Someone please! Find me pants! I need cloths!"

From all around the room he was receiving, 'What the hell is he mad?' Stares.

Draco waltzed up to him holding a pair of pants, "Why Harry don't you remember last night? I've got your pants right here love!" He dropped a pair on pants by Harry's feet and smirked.

"What! NOOO!" Harry snatched up the pants and fled from the Slytherins. Draco laughed.

"Well I guess stopping the house elf paid off! Poor Potter will be traumatized for life now."

FIN

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A/N: We hoped you enjoyed the story! Review please! 


	3. Hermione is a girl!

Disclaimer: We still own Harry's pants!

Summery: Duckies? Muggle health classes? Sex switches? Prank wars? SNAPE IN DRAG? What has happened to hogwarts? Rated M for adult humor slah and femslash. Yaoi AND Yuri

A/N: The chater is the same, just a few spelling grammer type things... nothing big, no need to read it again!

* * *

Chapter Two: Hermione's a Girl? by Shaelyn

Hermione cried, curled up on Ginny's bed for the fourth night in a week. It was always the same, Ron would make some snide remark, and Hermione would pretend not to care. This time though, was different.

"I mean no one sees her as a girl, more like one of the guys." Ron said, shrugging when Harry and asked him why he didn't ask Hermione out. Harry could tell she really liked him. Too bad they didn't realize that Hermione had heard them.

"Oh Ginny, it's no use, I tried to do something to make myself more noticeable, but my hair wouldn't brush, I have no good clothes, and... and..." Hermione sobbed again, unable to continue. Enough was enough, Ginny couldn't let her best friend lie here and cry.

"Why don't we give you a make over?" Ginny asked and Hermione sniffled a bit.

"Would you really?" Hermione asked with a bit of hope in her voice.

"Sure, and I'm sure we could get some other girls to help." Ginny said. She left for the common room and came back with Lavender, Pavarti, and Pansy.

"Hey hun, Gin said you wanted our help." Lavender said and pulled Hermione into a hug.

"Yeah, she filled us in. We'll help you knock all the guys into a shock." Pansy grinned.

"But how do we do that?" Hermione asked, drying her eyes.

"Well first, we cut your hair." Pavarti said and took out a book. "I know how to do hair spells, so let's see. Perfect!" She pointed to a picture of a girl with medium length hair. It reached her chest and had soft layers. She had a light perm on the tips, so her hair bounced when she moved her head.

"That looks really good!" Ginny said. Hermione had her doubts, though.

"Will I need to straiten it and curl it everyday?" Hermione asked, she was never good with those types of spells, nor could she even hope to do it the muggle way.

"Nope, I'll use a spell so you can keep it like that all the time." Pavarti smiled and read over the spell. "Okay, here we go." Pavarti said and muttered the spell. Now, in front of them stood a goddess. That was the only proper way to describe how Hermione looked. When she looked at herself in the mirror, her jaw dropped.

"I look-" Hermione stared wide-eyed.

"Great."

"Sexy."

"Beautiful."

"Amazing." Hermione breathed. The four other girls hi-fived each other as Hermione looked at her new do from another angle. "I love it!" She squealed and jumped up to hug Pavarti.

"Okay, now for the walk." Ginny said, getting off her bed and standing in front of Hermione. "We need to teach you how to walk with confidence." Ginny said and stared showing her how to strut. She swayed her hips while she walked up and down the small isle in the bedroom. Hermione proved to be a fast learner and walked around the room, but with out the confidence. "Hermione, you need to act like you own the room you are walking in. Like you are the reason everyone is there and you are better than them." Ginny said lifting Hermione's chin with her finger and showing her, again, how to do the walk. All the other girls nodded their encouragement and Hermione gave it another go. Soon she was walking around like she owned the place.

"Good, that will be enough to get their attention, now we should get to bed, so we can get you dressed up tomorrow morning." Pansy said, and the five friends slept in Ginny's room, after making a deal with the 6th year girls. They readily agreed when they found out it was to help Hermione get back at the guys. All the girls saw and knew how unfairly treated their head girl was, by the opposite sex, and it was about time she did something about it.

In the morning, the five girls rose at six in order to have time to get Hermione ready. While she showered, the four other girls picked out her outfit. When they were done, Ginny ran down to get Hermione showed her the outfit. Out on the bed, lay a very short pleated skirt, a black corset top, and a tight fitting pink robe. On the floor was a pair of pink high heals.

Hermione slipped the clothes and shoes on. Ginny handed her a pink crystal flower for her hair. After a touch of blush, eyeliner, lip gloss, and eye shadow, Hermione was done and allowed to look in the mirror.

Hermione gasped at the sight before her. She looked absolutely sexy. Her hair fell perfectly and the robe hugged every curve. "Wow, you think they'll notice me?"

"If they don't, then I don't know what the hell is wrong with them." Pansy said nodding her head to show that she thought they all did a very good job.

"Draco is coming to walk with us." Lavender said.

"Then you can flirt with him to make Ron notice you." Pavarti nodded. A very Slytherin smirk formed on Hermione's lips.

"Let the fun begin."

There was an energetic buzz in the Gryffindor Common. All the girls walked around with an all knowing air. The boys were left to ponder what was going to happen.

"Ready?" Ginny asked. The other girls had left and were waiting for her and Hermione.

"Ready to kick some ass." Hermione grinned.

"I'll go first, then you follow okay?"

"Okay." Hermione nodded.

"5..." Ginny smiled.

"4..." Hermione squeezed her best friends hand.

"3..."

"2..."

"It's now or never, 'Mione"

"1..." The best way to describe the girls decent was as if time stopped. The room seemed to dim and a spot light on Hermione. There were the scattered cat calls, but most of the boys couldn't speak.

Hermione slowly made her way down the stairs. She soaked in the feeling of all the eyes on her. She had **power**. **She** was in **control**. And boy did she love it. Slowly, Hermione strutted over to Draco, who seemed not to be as dazed as the rest of the boys.

"I always new you had it in you." Draco said trying not to grin through his smirk.

"What? To be a girl?" Hermione said rolling her eyes.

"No to be a slut," Draco chuckled.

"I'm no slut, I just know what I want," Hermione crazed her chest over Draco's arm, then turned and strutted over to Ron and continued purring, "and I sure as hell no how to get it."

At that very moment, Ron was more red then an apple, more red then a tomato, more red then a fire truck. His face was so red that you would think it was impossible that all the blood could stay there and still rush to his, uh, southern reigns.

"And it would seem that I got it," Hermione said gliding over to another one of the guys. She was **really** enjoying herself.

"Um, Harry?"

"Yeah mate?" Harry asked. He could see right through what Hermione was doing. And he found it quite amusing. It also dawned on him that she must have heard them last night. He would have to say sorry later.

"I think Hermione's a girl mate."

"What was that?" Hermione glided back to Ron's side, after giving Dean a full kiss on the lips.

"I said-" But Ron was cut off when a pair of lips touched his neck.

"What did you say?" Hermione slowly took off her robe. The moans in the room drove her to toy with Ron a bit more.

"Oh, Hermione, oh I said I bloody fucking love you." Ron moaned as Hermione trailed kisses up his neck and licked the shell of his ear.

"Took him long enough." Harry sighed, and ushered everyone out of the Common room. "Poor bloke." Harry said as he and Draco turn back for one last look before they left.

"Hermione finally got his attention." Draco chuckled and the two left the common room.

OoOoOoO

"So Ron," Hermione purred and let her hands slid down his body. He didn't respond. "Is everything okay?" At that point Ron seemed to come back to his senses.

"Get off my you slut!" Ron yelled pushing away.

"Why the hell are you calling me a slut? Think about it Ron, just yesterday, you didn't even see me as a girl, now you think I'm a slut!"

"Well you kissed all those other guys!"

"To get you to notice me! And weren't you the one how said you loved me?" Ron stood stunned for the moment.

"I did?" Hermione let out a scream of frustration.

"Yeah, you did. What's your problem? I though you liked me!" Hermione tried her best not to cry. She wouldn't, not in front of Ron. Again, Ron stood with a blank look. "I can't believe you Ronald Bilious Weasley!"

Hermione ran out of the room crying.

OoOoOoO

The rest of Gryffindor house waited outside the portrait of the fat lady. They were surprised to have it banged open by Hermione, alone in tears. All the guys, minus Draco, whom Hermione threw herself into, went to go check on Ron.

"Hermione, what happened?" Draco asked trying to sooth the sobbing Hermione.

"He hic said hic that he hic didn't like hic me."

"He what?" Ginny yelled wide eyed. Before she could wait around to hear Hermione explain what happened, her and a handful of girls ran in to beat the shit out of Ron.

"Sh, hun it's okay. There are plenty of guys out there!" Pansy said, trying to comfort Hermione.

"Yeah, love, what about Blaise?" Draco asked. His best friend had always offered to take Hermione out on a date, if she ever needed to get her mind off Ron.

"No, it's okay." Hermione sighed, drying her tears. About this time, all the Gryffindors filed. out of the common room.

"So, what happened?" Pansy asked Ginny.

"Well, Ron's still in shock. That and he _still_ has no idea what he did to Hermione."

OoOoOoO

"Really, Harry, what did I do?" Ron asked for the tenth time.

"You still don't get it?" Harry asked, getting really pissed off at his dense friend.

"Well, she was coming on to me and all, but she was doing that to everyone."

"No, not really, she was teasing you, trying to get your attention." Harry said trying to be patient with him.

"I don't get it Harry! It still makes no sense!" Harry yelled in frustration, a lot of people seemed to be doing that lately, Ron noticed, and stormed out of the common room.

OoOoOoO

"I still don't get it."


	4. Balls Vs Boobs

Disclaimer: We own the plots and Harry's Pants, that is all

Summery: Duckies? Muggle health classes? Sex switches? Prank wars? SNAPE IN DRAG? What has happened to hogwarts? Rated M for adult humor slah and femslash. Yaoi AND Yuri

A/N: Sorry about taking so long with this chapter! The next one should be out sooner. Well read and enjoy:

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Chapter Three: Balls vs. Boobs by Loki and Shae

The seventh year Gryffindors and Slytherins sat in a hot, boring, potions class. They were doing the polyjuice potion. Hermione stood, quietly chopping one of the ingredients for the potion while her partner, Draco, went to ask Snape for a sharpener to whet his knife. Hermione's fingers slipped, it was really, hot in the classroom and she cut herself.

"Ouch!" she hissed and sucked on her fresh wound. "That really hurt." she mumbled, Hermione winced when the hot air hit her cut, tears welled up in her eyes, "Stupid knife!"

Ron snorted from his table nearby, "Geeze Mione it's only a cut. You girls cry over everything."

Harry rolled his eyes from beside him, "Oh great here we go."

"WHAT!" Hermione yelled, "Women do NOT cry over everything! We are strong and endearing!" She waved her hands wildly about her head.

"Yeah you do! Like right now you cry over the simplest cuts!"

"Yeah, well you guys cry when you get kicked in the balls!" Lavender said.

"I'm not siding with Ron, but that does hurt." Draco said wincing when all the girls glared at him.

"Don't you dare side with him Draco Lucius Malfoy!" Pansy screamed at him.

"Sorry ma'am." Draco said cowering in fear.

"And you say boys aren't week." Pavarti scoffed, while giving them the 'just say something back, I dare you' look.

"Be a man damn it!" Ron said to Draco, who was practically in tears from Pansy, who was pointing her wand at him.

"But she scares me." Draco whined.

"Awww. Looks like someone's PMSing." Hermione cooed at Draco.

"And that too!" Ron said, "You girls always complain about PMSing. What's the big deal?"

"What's the big deal? What's the big deal? Cramps! Bloating! Migraines! Loss of energy! And feeling sick! For a week, then the blood comes!" Pansy yelled, she was PMSing it seemed.

"We can handle that right boys?" Ron asked. Only a few nodded. They were all for the cause, but frankly, Pansy scared them.

"Right.." Albeit it was a scattered less than enthusiastic response.

"See! You girls don't know how lucky you are you have it so easy! We have to pay for all the food, the dates, I mean we have to think about all these 'fun' surprises just to please you!" Ron's face was red like a tomato. An unfortunate result of his Weasley blood line.

"PHH!" Pansy snorted and crossed her arms, "Oh like you DON'T know what we have to do to impress you 'men.'" The boy's stared dumbfounded.

"What? What do you differently? You shave, we shave, you shower, we shower, you change, we change. What's different between us?" Neville said, then scratched his head.

Hermione cracked, "We shave! Our arms, legs, faces, privates, toes, pits, stomaches, brows, Backs! WHAT more do you want!"

"Um.."

"We have to push up our painfully large breasts, plump our lips, straighten our hair, stick m'n'm's to the mirror and practice kissing so people don't think were lesbians! We even walk in stilettos!"

There was silence from the boys side of the room.

Draco looked mortified, "You kiss your mirror Hermione?"

Pansy waved her hands in front of Mione's face, "That's beside the point, the point is Boob's are better than Ball's."

Ron and Hermione glared, "When did that become the point of this conversation!" Then they looked at each other and said, "Stop saying what I'm saying dammit!"

Harry chuckled, "Oh look a lovers quarrel." He then, got smacked upside the head by them both.

"Class! That is enough! Shut up already it's time to begin." Snape yelled at them. There were a dozen or so grunts and moans, then the class quieted down and returned to normal. That is except for the malicious aura's that penetrated the air. You could practically see the pink and blue aura's attacking each other!

No one was concentrating on their work, they were too busy trying to out do their partners. It happened to be one boy and one girl at each table. It got as bad as Ron cutting his finger as Hermione had, to show that 'men' wouldn't cry. It's a shame that he had the potion on the knife, and ended up making his finger invisible. To which event he freaked out, and started crying. Snape had had enough, this was getting way out of hand. There was only one thing he could think of, that might make then stop.

"Quiet class," Snape roared. Everyone was silent, except Ron, who was still whimpering. Snape pointed his wand at Ron's finger and said a spell that made his finger visible again. Ron stopped crying, and all the girls in the room laughed at him. "This is out of control. I will just have to show you how wrong each side is..." The potions master paused for effect.

"I am taking matters into my own hands."

Harry held a hand to his face, "GASP!"

"DUN DUN DAAAAAA-" SLAP!

Draco scowled, "Shut the hell up Neville!"

"Ewww. His hands are yucky!" SLAP SLAP

"Shut up Ron!" Draco and Harry yelled.

"And he would know." Pansy murmured.

"SHUT UP!" Snape yelled. "And no, he would not know." That silenced the class. "Instead of regular class, we will be having a muggle sex education class." Everyone's faces clouded with horror.

* * *

"And this is the female organ. It is called the-" Snape said and pointed to the extremely large and colorful picture on the wall.

"SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE!" Harry screamed and jumped out of his chair in an effort to make it to the door.

"SIT DOWN MR. POTTER!" Snape bellowed and forced him to sit back down. "I'll deal with you later." Harry gulped and sat back down, really scared.

"As I was saying, this is the female organ called the-" But Snape was cut off again by a fuming McGonagall who burst into the room.

"Professor Snape, what in Merlin's beard are you doing to these children?"

"Simply educating them and correcting their sexist ways." Snape said, someone in the class magically placed a halo over his head. McGonagall took one look at the picture on the wall and shrieked.

"And why in god's bloody name do you have a picture of me on the wall. When the bloody hell did you take that? Was it last week when we-" Sh then just realized she was still in the class room. "Bloody fucking hell!" She then clasped a hand over her mouth and ran out of the room.

* * *

Snape sighed and reviewed the situation at hand. His class was in an uproar, his girlfriend had just practically dumped him in front of the whole class, and he had no idea what was going on. Again he thought over his options with his class. And once again he could come up with only solution. There would be chaos, but it was worth the risk. He would not have sexist students in his school! Okay, so it wasn't his school... technicalities. So, it was up to him to make things right. He looked up at his seventh year students, they had been through a lot but he wasn't sure they could handle the punishment he was about to give them.

Ah well. "As Punishment I am switching your sexes! ABBANARNA RESTOVARNA!" The great wizard waved his arms at his bewildered, and frightened students. White lights flashed and electric sparks crackled.

TBC

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A/N: Thank's for reading! Please review! The next chapter will be written by me, Loki's next feature chapter will be chapter eight. 


	5. Sex Switches

Disclaimer: We own the stray dildo AND Harry's pants!

Summary: Duckies? Muggle health classes? Sex switches? Prank wars? SNAPE IN DRAG? What has happened to Hogwarts? Rate M for adult humor slash and femslash. Yaoi AND Yuri

A/N: IT'S BEEN 4 MONTHS AND WE'RE BACK AND ALIVE! We are both sincerly sorry for the long wait, but we hope that his makes up for it! Enjoy:

* * *

Chapter Four: Sex Switches 

There were screams heard all over the room. Each respective sex lost _something_ and gained _something_. Ron, who had a rather big chest, almost fell over from the unfamiliar, weight. As for the girls, none of them made particularly hot guys, though Millicent didn't change too much. Poor girl, or guy, rather.

When it came to the guys, it was a bit more interesting. Crabbe and Goyle didn't have _man_ boobs anymore, they really could use a bra though. Blaise looked like a goddess, as did Draco. Both had a muscular look to them, but not in an unattractive way. Their hair flowed down their backs. All the guys and girls swooned.

"Shit! Do we like guys or girls?" Harry asked. He was starting to get this odd sensation in between his legs. It was warm and tingly. What was it? He couldn't place his finger on it. "I think I'm a lesbian."

"I'm getting hard just looking at Draco." Ron said.

"You idiot! It's not called a hard on when you don't have one!" One of the girls yelled and him. Well formally girl any ways.

Draco huffed and ran a hand through his hair. He looked even more snobbish and bitchy as a women than he did a man. If you find that hard to believe. "No don't blame him, I've always been pretty sexy. Now you all get to admire my sex appeal in a new and squishier form."

Pandemonium broke out. If you used to be a guy, would you find the guys, former girls, attractive, or the current girls, the former guys.

"Shut up Draco! you skanky bitch! you think just because your blonde you can do whatever you want! Well your wrong!" Ron screamed, tears flowing down his cheeks.

Hermione, Herm now that she was a man, coughed. "Looks like someone's on their period?"

"AH! HOLY SHIT I'M BLEEDING!" Ron screamed. Now girls, I'm sure you know what that means. All the girls in the classroom did.

"Ron, now you know what it's like to get you're period." Pansy said, very happy that she would be a boy, when she was supposed to have hers.

"EW! STOP THE BLEEDING!" Ron yelled, panicking.

"Go to the hospital wing," Lavender said, rolling her eyes.

"Are we going to need to sleep in the girls dorms?" One of the the boys asked. Everyone started talking at once, Snape couldn't understand what they were trying to ask him.

"SHUT UP!" Snape yelled, everyone was quite, it was only possible since Ron ran out of the room for the hospital wing. "First of all, you will be staying in the dormitories of the sex you are, currently. Secondly, you will stay like this for one week, this should teach you to respect the other sex.

"Thirdly there will be no sex of any kind, by that I mean intercourse! You do not know how to deal with the body's of the opposite sex! This is final! One incident and I'm hexing you all so that you scream like geese at orgasm and squawk like chickens when turned on!" said Snape.

So after lunch all the children ate their food and what a commotion! The former girls were now free to eat whatever they wanted, without fear of getting fat. The poor new girls were disappointed to find out that they were all on permeant diets, salads for all!

"Roniqua pass me some more chicken!" Herm said as he finished off a third fried chicken. He scratched his balls, dig and scoop style, burped and wiped mashed potatoes from his lumberjack beard and laid back in his chair.

Strangely Hermione was the only girl to retain her original voice after transformation. Just think! A lumberjack sized man with a 15 year old British accent!

"Honestly Herm your so bloody revolting! Your going to get so fat that your blubber will block the halls! I wouldn't be surprised if there were some chicken bones caught in your fat rolls!" Roniqua passed Herm the chicken and wiped the corner of her mouth daintily with a napkin.

"Shut your trap woman!" Herm yelled, taking the basket and shoveling more food into her mouth.

"I don't think I've ever eaten this much food in my life!" Leonard (Lavender) said, loving that she could eat so much and not be fat.

"Oh I know." Phrances (Pavarti) said, eating her seventh helping of stake.

"Aw, I want some." Roniqua complained, glaring at her salad.

"Sorry girly, but you have to keep your figure." Parker (Pansy) said, looking Roniqua up and down, "You too Claudia (Crab)." Parker said giving her a look of disgust. As punishment, the people who had a sex switch had to sit with each other for meals. Roniqua shuttered when she felt Parker's gaze on her body. It felt like he was looking right through her clothes and could see her body underneath. Is that how boys made girls feel?

"You know, Claudia, she's right, you do need to keep your figure." Gertrude (Goyle) noted, nodding her head.

"Like your one to talk." Claudia muttered.

"Please you think your so fine, girl I can see those rolls popping out your jeans!" Gertrude snapped back, while snapping her fingers.

"Home girl you've got some attitude speaking to me like that! I'll whoop your boney ass back home!"

"Bitch!"

"Whore!" chaos broke loose. Gertrude slapped claudia across the face with the gravy ladle then dove over the table to strangle her. Claudia reacted by grabbing Gertrude's hair and ripping out clumps.

"Cat fight!" The Great Hall screamed and gathered round to watch the beatings.

"Skank! I'm not fat you dick face!"

"Girl you look mighty hungry with your trap hanging wide open! What you waiting for shut it!" Gertrude stuffed a pineapple in Claudia's mouth. "Go home to your pimp!"

"Eat up girl I know your hungry for it!"

Claudia punched the other girl in the stomach and pink bellied her opponent until she cried. Victorious she cleaned herself off and stood to survey the crowd cheering around her.

"Claudia! Claudia!" they cheered.

Gretchen stood up and wiped some pineapple juice from her bottom swollen lip, "I'm going to kill you, bitch!"

Gretchen then jumped and and tackled Claudia the two threw punch after punch at each other. Snape was about to get up to stop the fight, when he saw Claudia use the move 'The Crotch Grab' and sat back down, too intrigued to do anything but watch. The fight lasted for sometime, finally Snape stood up, and pulled on girl off the other. He then dragged them out of the Great Hall, around the corner and out of sight. The hall grew quite, no one knew how to react to such an event.

"FOOD FIGHT!" Someone yelled, and food hurtled around the room. People started to scream, and laugh as a whole cooked turkey on a plate flew through the air, thanks to Herm. It soared and landed right in face of none other than the blonde Slytherin herself.

"You DARE hit THE beautiful Draculina?" The girl screamed. "fly my loyal minion!" she waved her hand and several girls let loose a volley of sweet potatoes.

Herm roared a battle cry and waved a fork in the air, "Go!" Roniqua and Harriet catapulted sausages, popsicles, cucumbers, hot dogs, and a stray dildo, which landed in the open mouth of professor McGonagall.

Then suddenly Harriet screamed, "I've been impaled!" It was true a candle stick had gotten stuck in his abdomen. The boy, once boy, who lived cried and fell to the floor dramatically.

"Harriet!" Roniqua cried and ran to her friend's side, "Thanks I was looking for that!" She pulled out the candle stick, jumped over Harriet and chucked the stick at Beatriz (Blaise).

"QUIET!" McGonagall yelled, stealthily pocketing the dildo. The hall grew silent, everyone stood looking around. There was food EVERYWHERE! "Detention for two weeks, all of you!"

* * *

"Now children, have you learned our lessons?" Snape asked, and grinned, and scary, evil grin. "Good. Now to lift those hexes." Snape said the counter curse and the room went silent, for once. Neville has stopped flapping his arms like a chicken, and he wasn't hitting anyone in the face with his sharp elbows!

"Now, back to our lessons." Snape said, turning around to the chalk board to start writing the ingredients for a potion. He turned his body slightly, enough to push his desk draw closed. As he did, he took a quick look at the stray dildo inside, smiled to himself, and continued the lesson. He would have to thank whoever threw that dildo at McGonagall...

* * *

A/N: And before anyone asks, no we are not on crack :) We hope you liked it! The next chapter will be out A LOT sooner! Shaelyn and Loki 


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